| to love is to not understand yourself. .. |
[27 Mar 2004|09:28pm] |
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music |
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song zararmalamdingdong |
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to touch him is to feel warmth and sense of home. when he touches me it's like i've never been with out him. everything about this seems right. i don't know. i have already gone through my first few doubts which is normal for me and is sometimes hard for the other, but he has showed a tolerance for my foolishness and that shows me how much more i should be with him. i haven't felt this able to feel in so long... it makes me feel choate. i think that i may be falling for him. i think that i may want to be with him and i want him to want the same and it destroys me to no call him my own. is it strange that i want him to be mine and only mine. maybe it's becuase i have found someone truly amazing and i don't ever want to let that go... ever.
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| miss pamela beedle. |
[27 Dec 2003|09:39pm] |
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mood |
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 complacent |
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she was my best friend, for 4 years. she made high school seem, less harsh. we were inseperable. people would see me and ask me where she was because it was expected that we were together. our late night trips to the walmart superstore. our first adventure to the cog factory, for some hot water music. our adventures in canada, and brazil. she was the reason i lived through high school. she was always there for me.
and, i ruined it. i ruined everything. sometimes i don't know what's wrong with me. some times i wish i wasn't who i am. sometimes i wish i could trade lives with some one who is better than me.
i am nothing.
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| so now i get it... |
[28 Sep 2003|04:09pm] |
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mood |
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warm. |
] |
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music |
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war all of the time-thursday. |
] |
you are just as lost as i am, if not even more. you called me because you needed to tell me something, but you couldn't, you were afraid. you just needed some one to talk to, and that some one, was me. i am happy to be here for, i just wish i could have heard it from your voice. it's ok don't worry. you will figure it out. you always have, you always will. you are stronger than you think you are, brighter than you'll ever know, and smarter than you think. i wish i had the courage you did, the strength, wisdom, and integrity. i will always tell you i'll be there for you because chances are, i'll always be. i know your heart's been broken. just give it time to heal. all alone, it will heal, i promise. it takes awhile, but it will. hold tight, hold on. most of all, keep that chin up and keep smiling. for that is what keeps you amazing and always will
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| completely comfortable. |
[27 Sep 2003|02:40pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
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music |
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the radio playing, crap. |
] |
i am happy when you call me.
happy when you show any sort of sign.
anything to hear that voice.
your voice is what took me away.
you speak with passion, yet in a shy mysterious manner.
you are always honest.
you can tell me what's on your mind, with slight hesitation, but always willing.
always willing to let me know.
letting me feel at ease.
you will always be wonderful.
always pleasant.
you amaze me.
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| ???? |
[27 Sep 2003|02:06pm] |
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| damnit. |
[20 Sep 2003|03:28pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
] |
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music |
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lies are the new truth- panthers |
] |
whenever i talk to you my body shakes. whenever i walk away another part of me dies. it's not forever.
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| my version of beauty... |
[20 Sep 2003|11:45am] |
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mood |
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 predatory |
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music |
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bad mouth- FUGAZI |
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i see myself in the most beauty after a long day, and coming to the sink to wash my face. that look right after i take off the little mascara that i wear, i see the most beauty. most would ask, well why do you wear make-up at all? to that i say, why do you wear make-up? in the back of every female's mind the feel it's neccessary to wear make up. it's been forced upon us, by society. now, i won't go on some rant about the double-standards that women face because i don't care. everyone knows that it's true though. don't front.
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| yes, yes...something close to fire.. |
[20 Sep 2003|03:27am] |
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mood |
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this is it.. |
] |
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music |
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dressy bessy. |
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think of me when your head hits the pillow tonight. remember what it was that set it off in the first place. do you recall the things i said to you? think of how it felt when our lips met. did you shake inside, like i felt you shake in my arms? it was a strange way to come across your touch, but i found it. you found me. you kissed me. it was something to be in awe of. no one will ever know who i speak of because it's for you and i. the way you touched my legs... to my inner thigh. my body shivered. i knew right then it couldn't be just lust. this was deeper, not love but something close to fire. and there is was, you went away, but yet there's still a part of me with you and you with me. it may not be forever, but while it lasts right now, it's something close to fire. it's so high, that no one else can touch me and there's no one i can touch. my hands are here for you. my fingers are here to grace your hands, nothing more than a mystery to others. it's coming, just wait. they'll never see me again. they'll never see me. i will disappear to them, they will be gone to me and i will be whole. i will be next to you. i will sleep in this bed. i will be stuck in your head. no, this isn't a dream because i will never wake up. this is my reality. this is my future. this is me forgetting about them and coming to you. it's not over, it's never over. i will just always know where my fire is. it's in your eyes, it's in your kiss. never let go of it. never. never. you will always amaze me. you will always be that beauty inside of me. it's been locked away. you've brought it out, you've brought it to life.
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| ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh boy. |
[14 Sep 2003|03:48pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
] |
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music |
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the gossip- dressed in black. |
] |
you're so good to me. you know just what to say, just how to work it. if it comes to changing my location, i'll be there to protect you. maybe baby, we can smile together, laugh forever, and touch our feathers. i have the best to offer, you are the best to offer. somehow, you found me, somehow, you picked me up. maybe it's not right, but maybe it is. i think it happened for a reason, i think you kissed my neck and there it was. it sat there right in front of us. we took it. we took it far. it doesn't take an idiot to see how happy we are. how happy you make me. how happy i make you. there's not always enough words to describe the feelings i get when i see the words, "good by blue" and i just jump for joy. i miss you so much and i can't wait til you come back to me. it will happen, and you can call me. i will be at your door before you can say, "i miss you" and i will come faster and smoother, so happy. i can and will risk everything to be happy and to be happy with you. if this is just a dream, i hope i never wake up. waking up from a dream so warming could make my heart freeze and break into pieces. don't you forget about me. it's only a few months away.
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| get over yourself... |
[14 Sep 2003|01:31am] |
grow up.
act like the perfect person you think you are, and be mature.
you are being childish.
it's funny how you keep checking my journal, just to see if you can find something to pick at.
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| if it makes you happy... |
[28 Aug 2003|02:57pm] |
then keep doing it, keep rubbing it in.
i don't know why you have to try and prove yourself better, no matter what.
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| cry little girl... |
[24 Aug 2003|05:01pm] |
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mood |
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 rushed |
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music |
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the blood brothers. |
] |
this life is getting boring. things have to change.
the words in the letter, should i take hint?
is it not what i think it is?
i don't know what's next. i don't know what should be.
i can't say i know where i will go from here.
things feel like they did a year ago.
when i wanted nothing but to get out of here.
maybe this phase will fade away too. maybe i will be happy again.
who knows? i know things have to change.
i know i need to kiss you once more.
the pain outside is nothing next to the pain underneath my skin.
i don't know where it came from.
it's not right to want you. it's not right to miss it.
i can't think of a time i was happier. i miss it.
of course i do, who wouldn't?
i can't even begin to tell you what's next.
i can't even begin to explain what it is.
my life is nothing to you, i am sure, so fuck off.
don't read this.
don't speak a word.
i am going to vomit.
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| smile? what's that for? |
[16 Aug 2003|10:55pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
] |
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music |
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the melting point of wax - thrice. |
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why does it hurt so much?
why do i let things happen?
why am i always the piece of shit in the end?
it's funny how i can single-handedly ruin EVERYTHING in my life. then, i get ridiculed and yelled at for it. wow, then people wonder why my self esteem is fucked and why i don't talk about my emotions and feelings. i am sorry i am not the perfect friend for you. i am sorry you feel the way that you feel. your life is perfect now. so, i will step out so i won't ruin the pretty picture. i can't believe you had to stoop so low as to say those things. wow. you don't hold back. i never said anything to you about your sexual behavior because that's none of my business. then you preach about my fuck-ups and how i should have learned from yours in front of OUR friends. i learn things on my own. maybe that's the hard way, but that's the only way i know. my life isn't so glamorous.
you hurt me so much. thanks for helping me find the knife.
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| ok... |
[06 Aug 2003|07:57pm] |
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i liked it. i really did. i want to do it again. call me?!
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| ok. |
[04 Aug 2003|01:36am] |
it wasn't right, but it felt so goood.
i like kissing way too much.
i like the groping way too much.
i like feeling it in between my legs.
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| so, i am going to come out and say it... |
[30 Jul 2003|03:05pm] |
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i think i might be suicidal. hmmmm? well, ok here's the thing, i don't want to die, but my desire to live is very very minimal. now, this isn't a cry for attention, this is just me being completely honest with myself. there's not much else i can say about this because i don't really want to talk about it. it's not something that any one that reads this can help me with. it's something i have to try and conquer on my own. please don't mention this to me ever because i am sure i will just ignore it. i just want to be left alone.
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| old friends, in the past forever. |
[26 Jul 2003|12:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bitchy |
] |
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music |
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lanemeyer- figure it out. |
] |
come to think of it, i am glad i don't hang out with them anymore. i never really felt welcomed by them, only by a few of them. J & A. one of them, P, tried to welcome me by being all over my grits. sick. not even cute. hanging out with them, generally made me feel like crap. they were always getting into arguments over political issues, and really it was just them trying to prove that one is smarter than all of them. it was overall, extremely boring. now, i am sure that they sit back and claim hierarchy over me because i never fell prey to their stupid games. i do have one thing that a few of them certainly don't have. it's called common sense, and it keeps me happy.
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| so what? |
[24 Jul 2003|02:50am] |
there's nothing left.
yet, here i am, crushing on you.
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